Things were a lot less complicated when I was twelve years old. Al I had to worry about was the Face of Death on Halloween. Now I have real problems. Let me tell you how this all went wrong and left me in a position where I might lose my darling wife Sarhara. I was just trying to tell my flock that we are all sinners. I don’t know how I got myself into this situation. One moment I was dreaming that God had taken me by the hand, and the next I was giving in to my worst instincts and shacking up with the most beautiful woman I ever met. This is what happened.
That’s right, I Johnny Oops am a sinner, and I need your help to show me how to stop sinning. Are you a sinner too, or have you learned how to control your urges? This type of illicit activity is unbecoming to a prophet. Oh God, where are you when I need your help? This is what happened.
It all started innocently enough. We had opened offices – huge mansions – in Rancho Santa Fe, California and South Hampton, New York. I had gone to California to entertain and solicit some Hollywood Moguls, and Sarhara stayed behind in South Hampton to meet and greet the local big donors.
Sarhara had evidently hired me a secretary in Rancho Santa Fe by phone interview because I am notoriously bad at organizational activities of any kind, and needed someone to in effect take care of me. Many great people are disorganized dreamers and that includes prophets like me.
I was sitting in my office/den when this gorgeous blonde walked in wearing a mini skirt that revealed more than it hid of what in my opinion was the best looking female body I have ever seen, except for my wife of course.
She strode over to me and grabbed me in my private parts and said, “I want to make a contribution and this is all I have to offer.”
I honestly don’t remember whether she told me that she was my secretary or her name before or after we had sex. I’m not sure I really cared. I frankly blame my darling wife Sarhara for this. She had no right to hire a secretary for me over the phone. If she had seen Dixie Kups in person, I don’t think she ever would have hired her. My darling wife trusts me, but this is ridiculous.
I mentioned my sinning ways in a speech I gave in San Francisco, California titled The Dream That Changed The World. I got many positive eager responses from my flock who were in attendance, but the whole thing got out of hand. Just to be on the safe side I brought Dixie in her Mini skirt with me to hand out my ‘God Saves’ programs as a witness to my sinning ways. That sure aroused the audience who accepted the fact that they are sinners who often gave in to their own worst instincts and stormed the podium. The Newspapers had a field day. I didn’t intend to enter this self-inflicted self-help confessional alone. I wanted company while I was suffering in my intellectual water closet if you get my drift, but this was not the type of promotional support I was looking for.
I have once again asked God for his help in controlling my urges. I think He has answered me. He came to me in another dream saying, “Hold on, the best is yet to come.”
What did he mean by that? Sometimes God acts in mysterious ways that I cannot begin to understand. What about you? Are you beginning to understand that we are all sinners? Are you getting the message? Do you have faith that the best is yet to come? I am trying to believe this even though my darling wife Sarhara is threatening to divorce me, and her father, Rabbi Frenbren, is insisting I take the name Kabala out of the title of my religion. Yes Sir, God sure does work in mysterious ways. I don’t know what they are so upset about. It was just a little riot and a few bad headlines in the newspapers. This too shall pass. I know because I am the messenger, and I have the ‘word’, and the ‘word’ God has given me is that - the best is yet to come.
MMF (More later my friends)
*****
Hi, I am Arthur Levine, the author of the novel Johnny Oops. To read more about Johnny and his fictional wild escapades please access: http://johnnyoops.blogspot.com
© Arthur Levine 2007
