He may wear a pretty, skintight Body Glove, Gucci Turtleneck, listen to Barbara Streisand, and have an artificial bronze hue; but dont kid yourself, he dont swing that way. Hes plenty tough enough! By day hes the windsurfing, flip-flopping, French looking Liberal Senator from Massachusetts; but by night, John Kerry is Metro-Sexual Man. With his trusty sidekick Silky Boy, its off to the Femmobile to save America from his arch nemesis W and his partner in crime The VP.
Financed by his Billionaire Sugar-Mamma Teresa (actually the inspiration for the Kinks 1970 hit Lola), Metro-Man and Silky Boy promise to better W and The VP in their ill-advised War on Terror. They have assured America that, just as soon as they are able to pass the requisite Global Test, and have International Super-Heroes Jacque Chirac and Gerhard Schroeder onboard, they will fight the most terribly sensitive
frighteningly multilateral
completely Law Enforcement based War on Terror, in the history of the world. Metro-Man, with his bold and robust Northeast Ivy-League accent, has promised to hunt down and kill the terrorists like theyve never been hunted down and killed before. No doubt, having realized their doom is imminent; terrorists throughout the world are trembling in their sandals. As helpless Americans, we can only hope and pray that Metro-Man and Silky Boy will implement their trademark Limp-Wristed Bi*@! Slap and violently hurl the terrorists to their virgin paradise.
So now its up to you America. On November 2nd, lets not re-elect that simply spoken, cocky cowboy from Crawford who walks with a swagger and carries a big stick. Surely, thats just what the terrorists want us to do. What the terrorists truly fear, is a President who has style and culture; a President who can recite, cold, highlighted portions of Hamlet; a President who actually has the superhuman ability to vote for something before he votes against it. We cant afford a President who stubbornly stands on just one side of an issue. We need one who can do it all
who believes it all
who has stood for it all. For the sake of America
for the Sake of Humanity, America must trust in
Metro-Sexual Man and Silky Boy.
Copyright © 2004 by J. Matt Barber
J. Matt Barber is a non-practicing attorney, an undefeated heavyweight professional boxer (Matt Bam Bam Barber), and a professional jazz drummer in the Chicago Land (IL) area. In addition to his Law Degree, Barber holds a Master of Arts in Public Policy. Matt Works for Allstate Insurance Company as a Territorial Senior Manager in Allstate’s Law and Regulation Corporate Security (Internal Fraud Investigations) Department.
E-mail your comments to Matt, at sbarber3@comcast.net